Loving someone with a serious mental illness can feel overwhelming at times.
My dad struggled with bipolar disorder for most of his adult life. His dad also had severe mental illness. I can think of family members and friends who have experienced clinical depression, anxiety disorders, psychosis, substance abuse, borderline personality disorder… I could go on for a while, but I won’t.
Mental illness is hard, y’all. It’s hard for family members, friends, coworkers (if the ill person is well enough to hold a job), but most of all it’s hard for the people with the illness themselves. Thoughtful support makes a huge difference. That motivates me to keep writing about mental health even though it’s much harder than writing about a DIY project or recipe.
Although the topic is much heavier than those I usually tackle, I think it resonates with readers. Some of the most popular posts on my site have to do with mental illness like What not to say to someone with a mental illness (and what to say instead) and Are you or a loved one struggling with mental illness? There’s hope!
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), one in five Americans experience mental illness in a given year. The odds say that someone close to you deals with mental health challenges every day. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.
If you love someone with a serious mental illness, you will feel more empowered to help (or simply hang in there with them) if you remember these ten things.
1. They want to be understood. Focus on empathy and avoid comparison. Show concern, listen and acknowledge their feelings. Often their feelings don’t line up with the situation, or they may not be able to manage their emotions. Trying to reason with them will not get you very far in most cases. You may be tempted to give advice you think is helpful, but it might not help them in their current state. For instance, they probably don’t want to hear about someone whose life is worse than theirs because their own emotions are hard enough without adding guilt to the mix. It’s better to let them know that you’ve heard their concerns. If they are irrational, train yourself to remain calm.
2. They will struggle at times with routine living. Resist the urge to tell them to “try harder.” People managing serious mental illnesses may find it difficult to complete tasks. Ask a few nonjudgmental questions like, “How do you think you should handle that?” or “Is there one small positive step you can take?”
3. They need an advocate, and you may be in one of the best positions to help. Learn the symptoms of your loved one’s disease. Identify warning signs and triggers that they may be headed for a relapse. Encourage them to seek help if their health is deteriorating. If the person is a close family member (spouse or adult child), ask their permission to talk to their psychiatrist or therapist if you see issues. They don’t need to give you access to all their medical records, but that can be very helpful in chronic cases. Fight stigma by reminding others that mental illness is not a character defect but a biological chemical imbalance in the brain.
4. They want to be acknowledged. Ask them what they need. or “What would be most helpful to you right now?”
5. They may be unable to voice their needs. A very ill person might be so withdrawn or out of touch with reality that they require outside assistance. They may need your help to identify possible solutions or treatment options.
6. They want to know you will stand by them over the long haul. There is no timetable for wholeness. You won’t know how long it will take for the person to get better. They also may experience relapses from time to time.
7. They long to be loved. Your loved one is not the illness. They still have that quirky sense of humor, or love of animals, or a desire to help others, or any of the other traits you appreciated in them before mental illness derailed their lives.
8. They benefit when you are a healthy role model. Take care of yourself by getting adequate rest, eating healthy foods and exercising. Get counseling if you need help managing the demands on you. Build a support system by getting involved in support groups like the ones offered by NAMI.
9. They may not always realize it, but boundaries are good for them. Remove yourself from their presence if they are saying hateful things. Decide what you can and can’t do for them. Let them know when they are nearing your limits.
10. They are looking for hope. As much as you can, try to maintain a positive approach with your loved one. Most people diagnosed with a serious mental illness improve with treatment over time. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 85 percent of those with severe depression, 75 percent of people with schizophrenia and 70 percent of those with panic disorders show recovery or significant improvement over several years with treatment. That translates to hope for those who stay in treatment. Encourage your loved one to stay engaged in the process because things can get better.
